Beauty: the contested space
Losing a victim mentality, seeing yourself clearly, and becoming beautiful on purpose
“Decisions are made by those who show up.” - Aaron Sorkin
“Character, the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life, is the source from which self-respect springs.” - Joan Didion
A search begins
Every day, I come across things I love—and things I wish were different. The former brings joy. The latter sparks something else: a restless desire to change the world.
It’s tempting to accept the status quo, especially when questioning it means confronting deeply held beliefs—my own and others’. But even as I approach thirty, I haven’t grown out of asking myself—often to my own short-term detriment—can one person really affect culture? And when I’m brave: could that person be me?
Despite believing this about myself, when I first noticed the faintest signs of wrinkles at twenty-six, I sprinted to the dermatologist for Botox because I wanted to be proactive. Control the controllable, right? I told myself I wasn’t shallow—just realistic. As women, we’re expected to stay youthful if we want to date “desirable” men or work at those same so-called “elite” companies.
But last year, I hit pause on Botox. I realized my motivation wasn’t coming from confidence—it was coming from fear. And if I ever chose to get it again (which I might), I wanted it to be because I was running toward beauty, confidence, and power—not running away from the fear of becoming “ugly.” I made a decision: no one—not even my own anxiety—gets to scare me into or out of anything anymore.
So I dove into the beauty discourse: liberal essays, conservative critiques, reflections from self-identified “ugly” people, and polished takes of those whose livelihoods depend on beauty. I wanted to understand the truth about beauty—so I could decide for myself whether I needed to change who I was, or change the world.
Either way, I was going to build a confident, honest, independent, and, most of all, free of victimhood perspective. If someone else had already written it, I’d find it. If not, I’d write it myself. Come with me on the tour:
My first stop: Liberal Feminism
Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth argues that as women gain power, the culture doubles down on beauty standards to suppress us. I get her point and have experienced this truth—but if I wanted to feel exhausted and trapped in a victim mindset for the rest of my life, I would just watch Fox News before bed each night.
So I moved on to Jia Tolentino’s The Age of Instagram Face. She writes about the racial ambiguity and eerie perfection that filters and fillers have created—this glossy, homogenized ideal of womanhood.
I admire Jia. She’s a badass, and her writing challenges me to be bolder. And it is not my place to comment on the lived experience of women of other races. From the only lens I have, albeit as a white woman, I find myself thinking: But I disagree because I see so much beauty in difference. Her essay, while powerful, didn’t quite bring me to a satisfying conclusion. I think there is more hope than this.
Next: Conservative Takes
Unsatisfied with liberal discourse, I wondered what the conservatives thought. Evie Magazine, the “conservative Cosmo,” published an article, “Objective Feminine Beauty is Not a Relic of the Patriarchy,” which argues that modern culture is confused: stuck between extreme body positivity and unattainable celebrity perfection. It critiques progressives for rejecting traditional beauty ideals and champions femininity and “aspirational beauty.”
While it claimed not to wallow in victimhood, isn’t conforming to other people’s pre-defined beauty standards the lazy, passive route?
What even is aspirational beauty? Isn’t this the whole point of my search?
I left Evie's world even more confused. Isn’t there a way to not be a victim and also not need to take tips from influencers on the internet about how to be more beautiful like them? I don’t even know why I checked in on the conservative take.
Then: Perspectives from The Self-Identified "Ugly" and “Beautiful”
How about the perspective of someone universally considered “ugly” or “beautiful?”
Enter Robert Hoge, who self-identifies as “ugly” and says, “You can absolutely see people who are aesthetically pleasing and might meet very common definitions of beauty. But I’m incredibly drawn to people who just have a very good sense of themselves and a comfort with who they are.” He spent his whole childhood in and out of hospitals trying to become not “ugly.” But in the end he’s learned that “success is…overcoming physical, emotional, psychological, financial, or whatever kind of other struggles to get somewhere that you are comfortable.”
And interestingly, Emily Ratajkowski, who has built a career based on her beauty, writes in her book, My Body, about how, just like Robert Hoge, she has had an ongoing struggle to maintain and define her identity beyond just appearance. People on opposite sides of this beauty spectrum face the same problem set. I was onto something.
But then my algorithm fed me an episode of The Goop Podcast. At 9:32 of Gwen’s interview with Nikki Glaser, who Gwen Paltrow called beautiful, says, “I have this joke where I say, people say, well, Nikki, you’re like Joan Rivers. You don’t need to be attractive… And then you go back and look at Joan. Joan’s whole pursuit was to be pretty. She felt like an ugly girl…She fell into comedy to get at the punchline before anyone else…She wanted to be seen as a stunning woman. Who doesn’t? There are probably people who don’t, but I’m not one of them.”
That’s when I broke. I thought, There is no inspiring answer. I’ll have to make the same impossible decision all women make: fade into invisibility and old age or cling to youth and beauty with a death grip. Jia Tolentino and Naomi Wolf were right after all.
So I sent out a horror essay last week, convinced I had no answer for you and committed to telling you the truth.
Nature’s inadvertence
I gave up on researching beauty standards and began rereading Meditations, when Mr. Marcus Aurelius dropped this on me:
“Even Nature’s inadvertence has its own charm, its own attractiveness. The way loaves of bread split open on top in the oven… The ridges are just by-products of the baking, and yet pleasing… Olives on the point of falling. The shadow of decay gives them a peculiar beauty… And anyone with a feeling for nature… will look calmly at the distinct beauty of old age in men and women… Things are seen only by those at home with Nature and its works.”
That’s it.
That’s what I was looking for.
I was finally able to make the connection between Robert Hoge and Emily Ratajkowski, which I’ve known my whole life, but never articulated:
Life challenges each of us to live up to our unique problem set. We do not have the option to become someone else; trying to throws us into perfectionistic, neurotic spirals. We must figure out what makes us beautiful—and learn to communicate that. Someone who is very physically beautiful can have an ugly personality, making their overall being ugly. Someone with physical challenges can have an incredible, strong character and be absolutely beautiful. That’s the truth.
What makes bread, olives, figs, and humans beautiful isn’t perfection. It’s the split at the top. The thing that wasn’t planned. And the being’s ability to own it regardless of the imperfections.
The baker’s goal isn’t perfection. It’s beauty. And beauty, unlike perfection, is alive.
So if you don’t feel beautiful, I would suggest evaluating three things that I have since re-evaluated:
What makes you beautiful? If you know, try not to be afraid to share it with the world. The world wants to see it. Share it over and over and over again to the best of your ability.
Who are the people you’ve surrounded yourself with? A friend once told me: A true friend sees more potential in you than you see in yourself. They help you become the best version of you, not someone else. If your friends don’t make you feel beautiful, get some new friends.
What in your character inside of you is making you feel ugly? How can you heal it?
If Botox, orthodontics, hair styles, jewelry, exercise, etc., make you feel confident, powerful, and beautiful, then do it. But do it out of bravery, not fear.
The question is not whether you are beautiful or not. The question is whether you want to be the “perfect” loaf of wonder white bread or the undeniably beautiful sourdough—with the burnt tips, the broken top, and the irresistible pull of something real?
And, most importantly, are you brave enough to be it?
Great writing 😁👏
Beautiful in Korean is 아름다움 which means being yourself. I also think beauty comes when you are truly being yourself ☺️